Seeking Boundaries: Why Setting Limits is Not Selfish, but Self-Full
The Fruitful Risk of Disappointing Others
Setting boundaries is an area not discussed when it comes to achieving our financial goals or any personal vision we set out for. We talk about investments, savings plans, budgets, but we rarely discuss the behaviors that lead to the actions necessary to achieving our goals in life, even those that are not solely financed based. Are you a giver in a relationship and have a difficult time setting healthy boundaries for yourself without feeling guilty? Just because something is healthy for you and necessary for your own journey does not mean that it is selfish or a reason to feel guilty. If you ever feel guilty about not doing something for someone at the expense of your own self, whether that is peace of mind, financial well-being, or any other aspect that disrupts your inner peace, then seeking boundaries might be something you need to actively pursue with some of those around you.
Most of us have been in a relationship, which could also apply towards friendships, and have been asked to do something that does not line up with what we are comfortable with. Maybe it is picking up the slack financially for a short period of time, maybe it is emotionally supporting someone who is going through a tough time while you are not in a space to do so, or maybe it is just taking on more than you can handle energetically. You want to help, you are wired to help (can be a blessing and a curse if not managed well), but sometimes helping comes at the expense of our own inner peace. So what do you do? I hope that some of these perspectives that we explore around setting boundaries in order to achieve financial, emotional, and spiritual goals are beneficial for you and your journey.
Dare to Disappoint
It is important to understand that boundaries are not synonymous with being selfish. It is quite the opposite. When you take the time and energy to set boundaries, you are investing in yourself and your own journey. You are protecting your energy and creating space for those who matter the most to you and the overarching goals that you have set out for yourself. Setting boundaries is not only necessary, but it is also beneficial for both parties involved in that relationship because it creates an understanding of what is needed for both of you to be successful, even if the definition of success is different for you and the other person.
When we set boundaries for ourselves, it is helpful to communicate the “why” behind what we are doing so that the other party does not feel like they are being pushed away or rejected, especially if it is someone you genuinely care about and wish to stay close to. Otherwise, it may lead to a feeling of resentment and hard feelings towards you since they will have to come to their own conclusion as to why you are creating this boundary. Also, defining what it is that we need from the other person, in terms of boundaries and respect, will help make the transition smoother.
If you know that you are genuinely giving in that specific relationship and people are still disappointed with you because of these parameters that are being established, this is one of the first indicators that the pursuit of healthy limits are being achieved.
Put Your Mask on First
For me, one of the biggest hurdles I had (and have) to get over was coming to the realization that setting boundaries isn’t selfish or wrong; it’s self-full — an investment in ourselves so that we can continue to lead successful lives financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and beyond. For those of you that have flown on an airplane before, my wish is that the analogy of putting the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others paints the important picture of why boundaries are important. What would happen if you assisted everyone around you on the plane but disregarded to give yourself oxygen? Your help wouldn’t last long, that is what would happen! You may be able to give to others for a short period of time, but sooner or later the things that are fulfilling (and lifegiving) for you and others will come to an end and everything around you will start to cloud with confusion, resentment, and frustration.
“No” Is an Answer
The first step in setting any type of boundary and being able to honestly say “no” without feeling guilty about it is getting clear on what your needs and desires are in life. A lot of times we try to set a boundary without really knowing what we need and end up feeling even more lost, frustrated, and resentful. Boundaries are there to provide clarity, bandwidth, and space for the things that are fulfilling for you, which will ultimately overflow back to others. Once you know what you need out of yourself and even others, the next step is communicating that to the other person involved. This can be difficult if you have never done it before or if the other person is not used to hearing “no”.
I cannot state enough that it is so important to remember that just because something is healthy for you does not make it selfish. In fact, taking care of yourself first will allow you to be in a much better mental space to show up for others. If you ever find yourself feeling guilty about setting a boundary, ask yourself if you would feel guilty about saying “no” if the roles were reversed. There are clearly lots of grey areas in every relationship, but it is crucial for all of us to show empathy and understanding when we tell someone “no” or when someone tells us “no”, whatever the reason may be.
“Be honest with who you are, what you want and how you want to be treated. Boundaries only scare off the people that were not meant to be in your life.” — Shannon L. Alder
Setting boundaries can be a powerful tool in living an empowered life. Having the courage to stand up for ourselves, even when it is not easy, is a liberating act that can bring us closer to the relationships we value, increase self-awareness and open up more possibilities for our personal journey. Remember that “no” is an answer too, so take the time to really understand your needs, communicate them in a caring and respectful manner, and trust that everything (your finances, your friendships, your work goals, business ambitions, healthy living, literally everything) will fall into place if it’s meant to be. I encourage you to take the time to really understand yourself and honor who you are, so that you can live your life in a way that is true to your values and beliefs. With practice, patience and understanding for yourself, as well as others, you will be on your way to carving out the life you want and deserve.